Crate training in 5 easy steps

We are on Day 4 of training Dempsey to lie quietly, happily in his kennel when we're busy. We are failures.

I've been told crate training is a five-step process. Here is a recap of what I think the steps are:

1. Pity. Your puppy will wail and whimper, and you will feel very, very awful.

2. Bemusement. After about 10 minutes of wailing, it will occur to you that this is kind of funny. Despite being in a nice, clean kennel filled with his favorite toys and treats, your puppy will howl like he's being waterboarded at Guantanamo. (Dempsey, however, says my description of his "nice clean kennel" sounds suspiciously similar to Dick Cheney's description of Gitmo.)

3. Scorn. After about 20 minutes, you will start thinking, "You dumb dog! When are you going to learn that wailing won't get you anywhere?"

4. Impending baldness. After several days of repeating steps 1-3, you will start running out of hair to pull out.

We have not yet reached Step 5 ("The Peaceable Kingdom"), but we hear it usually comes sometime after your third toupee.   We will not be posting any pictures of that happy day.